Okay, CNN’s John Berman: Let’s talk about that military scandal that’s been rocking the nation.
YES! That one.
As an employee in the Red Cross Service to the Armed Forces department, I was scandalized to learn that our morning cereal hero has been lying to us for decades. Don’t let the gaping smile and floating eyebrows fool you; this is the face of liar:
The worst part about it is that the truth has been staring us in the face since 1963, and we’ve been too distracted by intoxicating sugary bliss to notice, which was probably his plan all along. Look closely at his sleeve:
Aside from his salute being totally wrong (here’s a great how-to salute video), his sleeves have three stripes each. What’s the problem with that, Chief Naval Operations Admiral Jonathan Greenert?
Thanks for clearing that up, Sir! (Yes, you should call any officer in the Armed Forces “Sir” or “Ma’am,” so technically either way this Crunch fellow should be called “Sir,” that is, unless he is fully stripped of his officer rank for lying to the American public, which is basically treason! Is he even American? But I digress…)
The American Red Cross has its origins in Service to the Armed Forces, as Clara Barton started it on the Civil War battlefields. Each of the 500+ Red Cross chapters provide services for our active and veteran military members and their families, and we also have American Red Cross staff on 50+ military installations, many of which are overseas. We are the only military support organization with worldwide 24/7 service availability. Click here to learn about our programs and how the Red Cross can help your military family or friends!
Needless to say, we have a more than 130 year history of supporting and respecting the US Military. How do you feel about “Cap’n” Crunch’s lie, Clara Barton?
What do you have to say for yourself, “Cap’n?”
Oops indeed, sir. Oops indeed. Taking to Twitter, he added:
.@foodbeast All rumors and misunderstandings! I captain the S.S. Guppy with my crew – which makes an official Cap’n in any book! #CapnFacts
— Cap’n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) June 14, 2013
I take this as an admission of falsely impersonating a military official, being that he is wearing specifically a Navy captain’s uniform. Make sure you are never fooled again by misleading cereal mascots by learning the military rank structures. I’ll now be investigating the so-called “General” Mills.
Sail away on your weirdly-colored milky seas, “Cap’n” Crunch!
Take a side! Let me know what you think about @RealCapnCrunch by Tweeting me @LindyLikeTheHop, or leave a comment below!